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Mommy and He

I sat with my mamma for about half an hour today.

It was a perfect evening.  Clear skies, beautifully blue.  Mild temperatures and no humidity.

The trees bursting with blossoms erased the natural gloom of cemeteries.

She died 24 years ago today.1

Twelve and a half-million (plus) minutes without her.

I didn’t really say a lot to her.

But, she’d probably not expect anything else.

I know that my painful shyness as a kid would often exasperate her.  Only because she wanted me to enjoy the company of other kids more.  To have the kind of popularity my brother basked in.

But, I preferred being around just her.

And after she was gone, I preferred just being alone.

I still do.  Mostly.

The Attorney is the main exception.

I’m definitely an introvert still, not gregarious by any stretch. But, because he is, being with him has brought about a comfort around others2 that I’d not had before.

It’s commonly said that a parent should never have to face out-living a child.

I think it’s just as rough for the child who loses a parent before adulthood.

Not only do you miss them, you miss the chance to show them who you are.

I would like for her to have had the chance to know me now.

I would like for her to have seen what The Attorney’s presence in my life has done for me.

I guess on some level she does see.

I only wish it could have been face-to-face.

For them to experience each other.

I had a dream several years ago where that happened.

Maybe it will once we’re all gone from here.

  1. May 1, 1990 

  2. particularly strangers 

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  1. Chris Chris

    Your mother would be so proud of the way you have grown into a kind, easygoing person. I am sure on some level she knows that.

  2. I read this post first thing after getting up this morning and was deeply moved. You always write with great simplicity and directness. I lost my mother early, too, although she didn’t die — I lost her to alcoholism. She was my mother sometimes but most often not and she could be mean, even cruel, at those times. But there’s no gain in hammering away at what might have been. You are fortunate that you can sit with her and summon a relationship that keeps her in your life. I agree with Chris — she would have been proud of and very happy for you, the fine man you have become and the man whose love you have.

  3. Tim Tim

    That was quite touching.
    I bet all of your readers understand how proud your mother would have been to know you as an adult…
    I still think it is the attorney who is the lucky one..or you both are equally.
    In pride…Tim

  4. Thomas Thomas

    Wow that’s beautiful I just wanna hug you

  5. victor victor

    you were a lucky boy because families are amyriad.
    I lost my father at 3 and mother induced by my uncles
    was a seVere victorian governess to me.THe fear was that I my mui was shy. I did not know I was gay until
    after I was forced into getting married .Shenever knew
    . So count your blessings dear TL

  6. Camillus Camillus

    Just read your story, very moving, I think that she would
    have been proud. Glad the Attorney is helping you become
    more social. Your lucky to have him to. Hugs

  7. Thanks for putting this in words we all can understand…my thoughts are with you…all possible best for you and yours, xo, Craig.

  8. Calvin Calvin

    I have to agree with Tim and Thomas, this is beautiful and touching. I also think the attorney is a very lucky man to have you in his life.

  9. cb cb

    I think she would like talking to the “now” you.

  10. Like you I lost my mother in my early teens. And yeah, I too was
    shy and introverted back then. Still sort of a loner today too. But I can
    switch the gregariousness on and off depending on situation.

  11. robert robert

    you write with such an open heart and startling simplicity. your writing reminds me of Andrew Holleran, one of my favorite… I read this after mother’s day my mom I still alive and it made me cry and want to call her and just hear her voice…and I will.

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