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Man Behaving Badly


Thanks to all of you who have sent words of encouragement and support my way.

Within the week since I last posted, things improved for Granny a bit.

Then they turned worse.

She has been in ICU since Monday, but thankfully it seems that things are back on an upswing.

Unfortunately the staff restricted The Attorney from visitation while she’s in ICU.

Because he is not a family member.

I’m amazed at how well he took it.

And I’m ashamed at how poorly I did.

I flipped out.

I really showed my ass.

To people who were just doing their job.

I would like to blame it on the stress.

But, that’s too easy.

I was taught to handle tough situations better.

And this time I failed.

I’m only glad that Granny didn’t witness it.

It would have disappointed her to no end.

It was enough that I think I may have embarrassed The Attorney.

He had to physically take me by the arm and walk me out of the building in an attempt to calm me down.

I apologized to everyone the next day.

And they were kind enough to accept it.

Despite my unacceptable behavior.

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There are 34 comments in this article:

  1. 05/10/2012sfjohn says:

    Tony I think it’s perfectly understandable. You’re going through a stressful time & you wanted the man you love (and who obviously cares for Granny) to be with you. And there’s NO reason why he shouldn’t except for some stupid old policies……It’s ok to lose it sometimes, don’t beat your self up too much.
    Good Luck, my thoughts are with you

  2. 05/10/2012rayrayj says:

    Next time I suggest you do like we do in our family and just lie.

  3. 05/10/2012Dennis Corcoran says:

    Tony- So sorry to hear of the situation with Granny. Sadder to hear the treatment and restriction placed on visitation by the Attorney. These situations smack each of us in our community hard and my only hope is this strengthens you to find a way to support equal rights for all humans.

    Prayers for the best outcome for you all.

  4. 05/10/2012Sue says:

    I agree with Ray, just lie. It is so much simpler. And, you will live longer. :)

  5. 05/10/2012Cb says:

    Most wouldn’t have apologized– I think that says something.

  6. 05/10/2012mike says:

    Hey Tony,

    Since it’s too late to lie (which is usually the simplest way around hospital visitation rules), I would ask to speak with the hospital administrator, and then explain – at least in part – yours and the Attorney’s relationship and ask that the Attorney be treated as family. Most hospitals will go along with this.

    And if they still say “no” … take names. Then, when Granny’s care is no longer dependent on them, use your blog to publish the name of the hospital and the people who refused to accommodate such a reasonable request. Then watch your loyal readers and fellow bloggers rip them to shreds.

  7. 05/10/2012mike says:

    Btw, whatever your behavior, the hospital should have agreed to the request of their patient’s sole relation and primary caregiver … they sound like assholes who weren’t just doing their job, but were more concerned with their rules than their patient’s well-being.

  8. 05/10/2012Barak says:

    Hey Tony,
    I’m sorry to hear that Granny’s having a hard time, and I hope things get better for the two of you sooner rather than later.
    I’m a medical student, so I know a thing or two about hospitals. I’ve been yelled at, or seen people being yelled at, and otherwise attacked, on any number of occasions.
    I wanted you to know that the staff are used to it. It’s not like we like it or condone it in any way – we don’t. But we understand the stress you’re under, and we feel bad to see you so frustrated and upset. I’ve talked to a lot of doctors and nurses about this, and the one thing they always said was that the patients or family members that yell almost always come back to apologize, and that means a whole lot to them.
    What I’m trying to say is that you should cut yourself some slack, because I’m pretty sure they do.

    On a different note, I support the suggestion above to talk to a supervisor about allowing the Attorney to visit. I know that in the hospitals I’ve studied in we always tried to bend the rules to help families out.

  9. 05/10/2012Alex says:


  10. 05/10/2012Sean says:

    I’m sorry to hear this. Didn’t Obama pass a law that allows any visitors.
    I’m glad Granny is doing better.

  11. 05/10/2012irisgirl says:

    Well, reading the wise and compassionate comments of other Friends of Tony calmed ME down a bit. First, I pray that Granny continues to rally. And I am so so sorry about what happened to you and the Attorney——-and Granny, because a visit from him would have been good for HER, and that’s all that should matter.

    We still have a long way to go in this country to afford equal rights for all, don’t we?

  12. 05/10/2012Paul from Q says:

    I’m thankful The Attorney was willing and able to take you by the arm and help to diffuse the unfortunate situation. A hospital person would not let me visit Bill after his surgery–which eventually caused his death–though his daughter was allowed in without a moment’s wait. Someday these injustices will be righted. The three of you are in my prayers. Pax, Paul

  13. 05/10/2012Chris says:

    I’m glad you grandmother is doing better. As for the other just shrug it off to something you can learn from. I really don’t like hanging out at the hospital, but sometimes you have to, just try to make the best of it and you will feel better.

  14. 05/10/2012Mark says:

    Hey Tony,
    Sorry that you are having to deal with health issues with your Granny. As a healthcare professional I am sure that the ICU staff did not take your words to heart. We understand the stress that family members go through at times like this and it is okay to vent. Also, I don’t agree with some of the comments about the Attorney not being able to visit. There are bigger rules than just the hospital rules. HIPAA regulations are very strict and they have nothing to do with us being gay. A straight couple not legally married and not a blood relative would have had the same issue – at least in the hospital I work at.
    Hang in there – and I hope things get better.

  15. 05/10/2012Moby says:

    This is one of the few times I disagree with you. I think you had every right to be upset and freak out. First, as the next of kin you have every right to set who is and is not allowed to visit her. It is a deplorable shame that you were even put in such a situation.

    I know being Southern we are taught to use our manners but sometimes manners are useless against such ingorance. I applaud the attorney for being so accommodating but it infuriates me to no end to hear you going thru this.

    I know you have other priorities right now and I’m rooting for Granny. *hugs*

  16. 05/11/2012royster says:

    listen, stressors are insidious. The sitch with At-Tony not being able to be inside would make Mother Teresa cranky. As my Big Mama, who i flatter myself would get along with your Granny like a house afire, might say….”don’t go borrow trouble, plenty comes on its own.” Don’t beat yourself up so over this, save that energy for her and for yourself when you really need it. The At-Tony is feeling his due course too, shut out by idiocy when all he wants to do is comfort you both; he’ll need some of that “training” you fear you betrayed, some of that stamina and placement of positive energy too. Above all, realize all any of us are is human…and that fate often shows little empathy, which means ours for others is even more important. You already showed that in the glancing comment about those staff who seem like obstacles, but whose fate is also sealed by others and circumstances beyond most human control. When you are through all this, in the calm light of day, find a charity or cause that addresses caretaker’s rights (be those saints familial or chosen) and maybe some that help train bedside manner for staff and docs. That way some good might come, eventually, of your understandable frustration. That kind of small positive proactive change is all we can hope for in such dire times….and would make Granny proud. Mother T herself said: “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love” and “We can do no great things–only small things with great love.” i know you, Tony, to have great love, and this latest incident is but a small thing after all. That is the :”Large” part of you.

  17. 05/11/2012royster says:

    just re-upping the notify elements, forgot to first post. Thanks.

  18. 05/11/2012pdxprofessor says:

    long time reader and lurker. i’m so sorry to hear of granny’s illness. i’m sending healing thoughts in her direction and hope that she continues to rally.

    i would have flipped out at the hospital too. in fact, i did. my college partner (together 8+ years) slipped on a patch of ice in NYC and when i got to the hospital they didn’t let me see him. i threw a fit worthy of the queen of england and had them bring every supervisor to explain to me why i couldn’t see him. they eventually did, but i had to make a scene.

    it’s tragic that in this day and age we are not afforded equal human rights. don’t feel bad about making a scene — it needed to happen. i’m glad the attorney was there to keep you from doing someone bodily harm. just from your descriptions of him, i’m very fond of him, and of course of you. i wish you and your family only the very best and a lot more time with granny.

  19. 05/11/2012John says:

    I understand what the issue is, but in your place I would just have the Attorney say that he’s Granny’s nephew or something, and have be with it.

  20. 05/11/2012John says:

    “have done”, sorry.

  21. 05/11/2012Marc says:

    I’m sorry, maybe because I’m from California I have a stronger opinion but that hospital’s personnel behavior is totally unacceptable. YOUR and the Attorney’s civil rights have been violated.

    Rolling over and letting the haters get the best of us led to the holocaust and ethnic cleansing.

    Your dignity reacted and for that I applaud you.

  22. 05/11/2012Steph Lanham says:

    Tony–For the last several months I have been reading and catchting up on your blogs. Love to you and Granny. You know what–the hospital has a policy about visitors and they have a choice about changing the policy–as they should.

    You seem to be a very graceful person–as well as the Attorney–definately Granny. I wish you the best in the coming weeks and months.


  23. 05/11/2012Lee says:

    Keep us all posted. I wish I could write as well as you do. Just know that we share in your pain and our spirits brighten when you do as well. We’re there for you, the attorney and granny.


  24. 05/11/2012David SHP says:

    I’m glad things are in an upswing! May the swing keep coming! Don’t worry yourself about your outburst. We all behave badly at times, and sometimes rightfully so. If enough people behave badly in your situation, maybe someone some time might say, “Hey, maybe we should change that rule……”

    Best thought to your granny.

  25. 05/12/2012Tim says:

    You did NOTHING wrong.
    People need loving support at a time like this, and when they are lucky enough to have it, it should not be kept from them without having to LIE!

    It is just that simple

    I hope all 3 of you stay well!

  26. 05/12/2012alan says:

    Tony: Sorry to hear that your grandmother is still in the hospital. You’re all in our thoughts and prayers. Alan

  27. 05/12/2012royster says:

    i would just like to add here that though i truly respect and even admire all points of view on the visitor’s policy aspect, that this may not be the time or place for such discussion. The focus here might want to be Tony, his well-being, and the support his extended family (particularly Granny) are in need of right now. If you feel strongly about either side of the civil rights issue, good for you. In Tony’s honor, find a place on the web or in your community that is addressing such complex issues, and apply yourself there. Here, let’s be supportive of what Tony is feeling and expressing, and put proactive change to work in more conducive arenas. No offense to anyone.

  28. 05/12/2012Chris L. says:

    Don’t beat yourself up about this, Tony. It’s a very stressful situation. Your story does make me thankful I live in the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, however. I hope your grandmother continues to improve and is able to return home soon.

  29. 05/12/2012TonkaManOR says:


    Man have I been out of touch. Shows how much time moving an office of 200 people takes from you. I’m sorry to read about Grannie’s health and your treatment at the hospital. My thoughts are with all three of you. Stay strong and when you can’t lean on that shoulder that is there for you!



  30. 05/13/2012Will says:

    You and the Attorney were treated shabbily and you reacted — that’s just being human. That you apologized shows you were bigger than they. Some day there will be no such obstacles.

    Since this is Mother’s Day, I suspect I can safely speak for everyone here and ask you to tell Granny that a whole lot of your friends send their love and best wishes.

  31. 05/13/2012Scott says:

    So sorry to hear Granny is under the weather. I’m sure she’ll pull through just fine because she knows you love her so very much! That love will keep her with you. :)

  32. 05/14/2012gino says:

    Wish the ones doing they’rejob would realize blood does not make you family! Hope all is well

  33. 05/16/2012Ojo says:

    Tony, I just want to add my thoughts and prayers for Granny, You and The Attorney. May special healing and grace flow y’all’s way.

  34. 05/17/2012royster says:

    to try and make you smile some, though it is also sad of course: i just this day, reading Entertainment Weekly finally, realized that Goober from Andy Griffith/Mayberry RFD/perhaps Gomer Pyle USMC, passed away. He will be missed, as will his Jughead hat. He appeared, along with most of the HEE HAW cast, in a production of PAINT YOUR WAGON here at my Day Job. Wish i could have seen it.

    i know how much the Mayberrians mean to Large Tony, and of course though George Lindsay has passed, what joy he brought to so many. Perhaps a good reminder to celebrate those we love while we have them, as all must go the way of a cancelled beloved family series…and life must go on at any rate, even that far from Mount Pilot, where you’d think you be safe from the progress. I am more like Otis who slept it off in the city jail that Barney guarded with a single bullet not allowed to be kept in his gun…and am honored to be invited home to dinner by Aunt Bea where Opie can tell us of his adventures. The story of Tony and the ER would be all over town by now, thanks to those gossips Floyd the Barber and Clara, or maybe even Thelma Lou at the town switchboard who heard it on the party line. But like good old Andy, we all know soon Tony will be back smiling and laughing, speaking softly but carrying that big stick.

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